Ever tried deep breathing and it actually makes your symptoms worse? Maybe your heart rate actually speeds up, your breath gets even more shallow, your chest tightens further…WTF is that, right? What am I supposed to do if this doesn’t work, am I just a lost cause destined to feel awful forever? The good news, is no you are not destined to live like this forever.
It can be incredibly frustrating to continually get the advice that deep breathing is the thing to do for emotion regulation and while breathing is obviously helpful, we need to dig a little deeper in why breathing techniques might not be working well for you.
Here are a few possibilities:
Past trauma – If you have experienced trauma in your life, deep breaths and attempting to calm your nervous system may actually be sending danger signals to yourself which in turns amps your nervous system response up more. In the past, it might have been safer to keep your nervous system on alert and now you’re suddenly asking it to be calm and not be on alert? Umm…no thank you. It’s been keeping you safe and alive this long and it’s not about to switch that now.
Breathing incorrectly – This one is relatively simple, you might be breathing too fast, too shallow, etc. learning the proper technique for your body will be helpful in regulating. Learning proper breathing mechanics can be helpful, but you also don't have to force yourself into a particular technique just because someone told you it's the right one. You just might not be a square breath person, instead try a physiological sigh or another breath practice and just notice the difference in how you feel.
Waiting until the stress shows up – A lot of people use regulation skills in the moment they need them but we should actually be practicing them far before the point of crisis. Regulation exercises are a skill that need to be built up in our brains. They need to become second nature as our brains will revert to coping strategies that are easy and effective and most of the time these strategies are not great for us (alcohol, impulse shopping, etc.). Deep breathing must become easy and effective and the way to do that is through practice. It’s basically building muscle memory.
Get curious about why deep breathing isn’t for you. Is it one of the reasons listed above or can you identify another reason? Once you understand the reasoning better, you can work with it from a more neutral standpoint. When we expect something not to work and get frustrated with it, chances are…it will be less likely to work. When we can say it didn’t work then but it might in the future if I do something different, it takes the tension out of it. At the end of the day, there are tons of regulation skills and breathwork is just one of them. Know it, use it, but have others in your pocket too.
Mel Koenen, LMFT